A complex and unfinished account of my beliefs

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I’ve always considered myself spiritual, having been raised Catholic. I found comfort in God, enjoyed deep questions about the meaning of the universe and how we all came to be as early as when I was 12, and had an obsession with theology. At one point, I wanted to read all the holy books, like Rainn Wilson has. I read books by the Dalai Lama, C.S. Lewis, and more. I scoured Tumblr for all the signs of spirituality in the universe (it felt like a legit source of hidden gems at the time), watched tons of videos, and occasionally devoted myself to reading the Bible (like many, I always stopped somewhere in the Old Testament when there’s a lot of “begots”).

Then, I went to college, slowly pushed away my faith and turned towards a general spirituality. No reading books, digging deep questions, or anything, save a brief stint my freshman year with my self-made Soul Pancake club.

In many ways, I think I’d developed a serious allergy to religion. I went to a conservative, Bible-belt-esque high school where most examples of religion I saw were exclusionary, cited “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve” as a legitimate argument against gay marriage (as if a rhyme could actually be an argument!), and if I’m being honest, was insanely hypocritical. So, I rejected this version of religion in favor of my quest to be a good person, believe in “some higher power,” and go from there. The world is complex, people make mistakes. I try not to judge, but to understand. (And still do!)

College certainly pulled me from my religion though in a new way. Suddenly the idea of believing in God was a signal that you might be a little dumb, naive, or silly. My partner at the time also wasn’t religious (had a somewhat legitimate reason for this), and as a result, I never really felt comfortable opening up about religion and God the way I had long ago. So, in some ways, I lost this very core part of my identity. This part of me that craved the pursuit of meaning, goodness, morals, and other less-sexy virtues in life. To make a generalized statement to reflect my feelings (and less so the true, detailed reality that of course not everyone was this way), if you were religious in college, you were immediately the opposite of what everyone stood for: oppressive, uptight, prude, BORING. And while I can be sanctimonious, I didn’t want to be any of those things.

Jump to 2020.

For many reasons, 2020 becomes a major transition in my life, but the biggest reason is I met someone special who reminds me of all that I love about faith and hard questions and getting to the core of what life is for. What I love about him, is that it’s not about “believing” in God. He talks about things like Abrahamic faiths, how Western values—even when secular—are rooted in Christianity, and heaps of ethical questions and puzzles of the mind I’d never even considered. Basically, he brings to mind all the hard questions of faith I loved when I was younger, and he presents religion and belief in a way I’d always wanted. Not as some simple thing where you believe all will be well, but a legitimate theological, ethical study that takes years of just thinking about.

(He talks about it in a way that is so smart, I struggle to say it the way he does. But trust me, if he asked you the theological questions he asks me, I think you’d feel as perplexed and thrown-off by them as I was. Not many think the way he does, but that’s for another time.)

Suddenly, he begins to ask me what I believe and I realize—I don’t actually know what that is anymore. I can see an outline of it, some vague memory of what I used to follow. But that’s it.

I think a lot of people get the wrong impression about religion and I completely understand why. From a quick glance, it’s this monolithic institution that feels out-dated—maybe even naive—and oftentimes oppressive. I’ve never supported the hard-stance and hate against gay marriage. And while I personally would never get an abortion or recommend a friend to do so (even if I wasn’t religious, I think there are many people who want to adopt, struggle to give birth, etc. and also it still is emotionally traumatizing,) I recognize the complexities of life’s circumstances, and it’s not a black and white matter for me to judge or make a decision on. (And while it’s not supported by the Catholic faith, I think the solution here for ALL SIDES is free/affordable access to birth control.)

But I digress. I think if you’re reading this blog, you’re well aware of the varying ways religion has pushed people away. And I think we can all agree those should be remedied. But this is, after all, a rambling of my return to religion. Not my policy solutions.

The more I’ve returned to religion lately though, the more I’ve seen it in a new light, a more studied, theological light. I think the top (mistaken) impression people get about a lot of religious folks, is that they all believe in this man up in the sky who determines life’s outcomes and started the world a few thousand years ago. And while some do believe that, in reconnecting with my Catholic faith, I’ve realized a lot more people are religious for deeper reasons, and a lot use God as a way to articulate an abstraction that we as humans struggle to put words to.

A lot of us don’t believe God is just a huge guy up in the sky. We don’t believe he determines life’s outcomes or that evolution isn’t real. We aren’t judging every single sin someone else does. But we do believe in God and the virtues worth keeping in religion. We believe in God, but maybe not the caricature you’re imagining when you hear someone is religious.

(I invite you, should you think religious people—particularly Christians—are stupid or dumb or prude or what have you, to reconsider this and take up various theological studies before you make this judgement. I think anyone can be moral and a good person, but one question that really got me thinking was “Where do morals come from? Why did we decide certain virtues are good? Why do we have a desire to be moral at all?”)

Before I go on, I should add that my return to my Catholic roots is still in development. I don’t know fully what I believe yet again, and maybe my life will be a journey of me trying to understand that.

What’s helped me become faithful (again)

In meeting the boy mentioned above, he also began to introduce me to many invaluable resources that inspired me to look at my faith again. Some (most) he showed me, some I found myself. (Ironically, this boy is not Catholic.) All were a source of comfort last year during the pandemic, when I felt that faith, in conjunction with meditation and exercise, helped keep me grounded.

  • Bishop Barron - My boyfriend first showed me Bishop Barron’s movie reviews where he analyzes the religion in films like Fargo, Inception, and more. This rekindled my initial love of religion in literature and film. I love Dostoevsky, Chaucer, and other stories that force me to really think about morals, faith, humanity and more. After that, I began to watch more of Bishop Barron’s religious videos and was moved by how he’s revitalized the Catholic faith online. I also found his deep theological debates of most interest, as they got right to the hard questions I’m always eager to wrestle with.

  • Word on Fire Institute and Bible - After learning more about Bishop Barron, I joined the Word on Fire institute, where I was able to access TONS of resources on the Catholic faith, more videos from Bishop Barron, and best of all the quarterly Evangelization & Culture journal (it’s beautiful and ticks all my boxes of discussing arts, faith, and culture). I also purchased the Word on Fire Bible, which features the four gospels. It’s a gorgeous Bible, and feels like I’m taking an English course on the subject. (I love to learn, what can I say!) The notes and essays throughout are so helpful, and truthfully I’d recommend this Bible to anyone, as it’s also great for understanding ALL the ways the Bible crops up in literature, film, and more.

  • Flannery O’Connor - A month or so into us dating, my boyfriend got me Flannery O’Connor’s short stories. (He also got me The Long Loneliness by Dorothy Day that day and The Movigeoer by Walker Percy for Christmas). If you haven’t picked up the theme here, I was immediately in love with her literary approach to her faith. Reading her stories—which are brilliant, dark, and like a Coen brother’s film—on the surface you’d never recognize how rooted in faith her work is. But as you analyze it, it becomes more clear. I love that she’s never on the nose with her work, and a legitimately amazing storyteller.

  • Dorothy Day - Dorothy Day is a legendary Catholic activist. While her autobiography The Long Loneliness is a bit slow, I loved having an activist as an example in my faith. I also really related to when she talked about her desire to be closer to God, and it just being this “feeling.” It’s something I’ve always had, so I really felt similar to her in that way.

  • Hallow App - I have been an off-and-on Headspace user for many years and still am. I can get really anxious and have a busy mind, and love Headspace for that. But Hallow brought something new to me. First, it’s begun to teach me so much about all the traditions of Catholic prayer, which I love. I love going through the same motions and prayers people have done for centuries. It brings me comfort and community. And second, it’s offered a way for me to meditate outwardly instead of inwardly. How am I improving the world? My relationship with my faith? How I behave towards others?

  • Walker Percy - As mentioned, my boyfriend also bought me The Moviegoer by Walker Percy, which I loved. You can view my full review here. But this is basically checking the box of another Catholic writer forces me to think about my faith more and how it relates to my own writing as an author.

  • Luna and Rose - Though my faith has occasionally faltered, I’ve always felt drawn to the saints of the Catholic faith, and of course, Mary. In my quest to be more sustainable, I also found this brand. My mom got me the Saint John pendant for Christmas! What I love about the Catholic faith is all the saints who represent the best of the faith. I know it’s a belief that always gets a lot of flack from other denominations, but to me it’s always made sense. I also bought myself a Joy Dravecky Lady Lourdes ring as well to keep in touch with my faith.

Future resources I’m checking out

As mentioned, my return to my Catholic roots is still in it’s early stages. There’s so much of this conversation I’m eager to return to. This of course includes more religious films, books, and more, including a return to The Canterbury Tales, which I’m using as my inspiration for my own book I’m writing!

However, here are some other resources I’m hoping to look at this year as I develop my faith:

  • G.K. Chesterton - There are a lot of essays by Chesterton in my Word on Fire Bible. My boyfriend has a few books by him (I think—Diego, if you’re reading this let me know) and so I’d love to read his work to help further my understanding of my own faith more.

  • René Girard - There is so much by Girard worth looking at, but I’m particularly interested in his work on mimetic desires. I need to look through his bibliography to decide what to read next!

  • More philosophers - Also an influence by the boyfriend, but I think philosophers help ground you with logic and ethics, and as a result force you to think of your faith in the same logical way.

  • C.S. Lewis - I read Mere Christianity awhile ago, but plan to read it again! I love Lewis, and always think of the rivalry and friendship he had with Tolkien. I sometimes imagine the same for myself, but I also don’t want a rival.

  • Telling the Truth by Frederick Buechner - A friend from high school whom I admire shared this book on her Instagram, and so I ordered it only to realize I need to refresh myself on the Gospels a lot before even trying at this. So once I’ve read through the Word on Fire, I’ll get back to this.

    • (Friend from high school—you know who you are and if you’re reading this, it’s dumb that our friendship had a falling out via text messages our sophomore year. Typical high school crap, but actually quite consequential. Let’s be friends again, as you were always the one to chat about life’s big questions with me!)

  • The rosary - As a kid in religious education, I thought the rosary was BORING but pretty. Now as someone who meditates and prays, I’m genuinely curious what it’d be like to use the rosary seriously. This one is less a goal, and more me saying “Let’s see where it takes me!” I love letting my curiosities take me places.

TL;DR

For a long time, I wrote off religious people as superstitious and silly. I thought people grew out of this phase in life and became spiritual. Recently, in reconnecting to my Catholic faith, I’ve discovered that that was a gross generalization of religious people. While some may fit the description and give it a bad rep, there is a vast pool of knowledge, resources, and questions available for me to sift through. And while I cannot say I fully believe in Jesus’s resurrection like I once did, I can now say I believe in God, and it’s something I’m proud of having meditated on for awhile. I don’t feel like I was converted, but more that I rationalized my way here with logic, philosophy, and a little bit of literature.

I’m excited to dig deeper in my faith. There’s nothing more interesting than getting into the marrow of life.