December 1st thoughts

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It’s that time of year where I get overwhelmed with all the skills I wish I had, books I need to read, films to watch, video games to play, puzzles to complete, rooms to decorate, etc, etc.

I think that this blog is supposed to be about creative writing, and that’s what it was for. But life evolves and so does my corner of the internet, and now I just feel inclined to turn it into a diary or a log. I think that if I throw in enough adjectives and nice-sounding turns of phrases, I can get away with still calling it a creative writing blog, no? (I hope that if you’re coming here looking for my writing advice you still find what you seek! It’s here. Just not in this post.)

I have so many aspirations. My top one has always been to write a novel or book of stories. And I attempted to write my Maximalist Essays but lost progress immediately after becoming engaged, moving to a new city, and so forth. It makes sense, but like Carly Riordan wrote about in her post I deeply related to, I am so competitive with myself. I had this idea in my head about what I am supposed to do—I am supposed to write every day and LOVE it—that I get caught up in it and disappointed in myself.

I want so many things, and am so bad about appreciating the present. 

I want a beautiful life, to start. The aesthetic has always mattered deeply to me, probably because I spend so much time at home. I want money to be easy, to not be something I have a “relationship” with. I want to be able to treat someone without checking my bank account! I’m not even doing bad, financially, but I could be more responsible and restrictive when it comes to my purchases. 

I also want to learn so, so much. I think people get caught up in the rottenness of this world, but I’m honestly so energized by all there is to learn here! The unknown excites me. For instance, I love to cook and bake. It became a safe haven after stressful work days, but I know I’ve just scratched the surface. I want to learn how to decorate cookies better, invest in the 100+ Americolor food coloring kit, feel confident behind the grill, and then some. And that’s all with a hobby I feel more proficient in.

For fitness, I want to be able to touch my toes for God’s sake! I want to one day be able to do a pistol squat because it looks impressive and I have strong legs. I don’t really have aesthetic goals, I just love to feel strong and powerful, and fitness does that for me! Which reminds me, I want to also get back on the tennis court and improve my second serve, add more topspin to my groundstrokes, among other things.

Then there’s language! I want to become fluent in Spanish, and then other languages! But where is the time with all these other things? I have to find it. 

Then I want to learn basic home repair skills. I want to be handy. And I want to learn to cross stitch, to repair a snag in fabric, to sew a few beautiful things.

Then we get back to my book, my writing, my craft. I feel less motivated than ever to write or engage in stories lately, and frankly it makes me so sad. I don’t want to cling to something that isn’t me anymore, but also still feels very “me.” A great story still gets me so excited yet, but it requires so much energy to write one. Maybe I have to accept that this ambition of mine is on hold for now. After all—I can’t learn it all at once!

Is anyone else like this, or just me? A total hobby hoarder.

According to my Strengthsfinder results, my top two traits are Input, and then Learner, so I suppose it makes sense. I love to learn, and I want to learn anything I can. In my head, everything is learnable. But, oh, the time! 

So now, here I am, a little overwhelmed for no reason on the first of December, planning out Christmas cookie boxes to ship, researching cross-stitching for beginners, and panicking about how far behind I am on my reading list this year. ‘Tis the season!

For my own peace of mind and future curiosity, here is my list of things to become proficient in/achieve. It’ll also be interesting to look at this a year from now or so! (I don’t expect to do it all in one year of course, it’s more lifelong goals to pursue!)

  1. Write and publish a short story collection.

  2. Become fluent in Spanish.

  3. Be able to touch my toes.

  4. Do a full pistol squat.

  5. Do crow's pose.

  6. Become a beginner speaker in Portuguese.

  7. Learn how to cross-stitch, crochet, or something else crafty to do while watching TV.

  8. Improve my tennis topspin. (I’m a very flat player)

  9. Learn how to hang photos, art, etc. and feel confident using a drill.

  10. Invest in the tools to better ice cakes and decorate cookies.

  11. Feel confident grilling meats and cooking seafood.

  12. Decorate the house and save up to remodel it! Eventually live in my dream home!

  13. Get a handle on my spendthrifty tendencies.

  14. Be better about reading books, watching movies or TV, or playing games instead of just scrolling without purpose.

  15. Grow an herb garden.

This is reading now like a January 1st post, isn’t it? But I suppose it’s nothing like the end of the year to remind you of everything you didn’t achieve. Why are some of us like this?!

But I guess it’s hard not to be, when I’ve seen how every time I set my mind on achieving something, I do it. In 2018 I told myself I would try to cook something new every week, then in 2019 I cooked through Molly Yeh’s cookbook. I’ve never looked back since and now consider myself a very good cook! In high school I wanted to become a Super Champ tennis player and eventually got there after years of dedication. It’s a simplistic view of the world, but I think you have to be a little naive to think you can achieve anything. And there’s nothing quite like the joy of going from beginner to proficient, especially as an adult! So maybe I just really do love learning and the experience of knowing more and more!

Edited to add skill 15! And probably more skills in the future. Reading this it’s clear I was made for home ec, which they didn’t offer at my school!